I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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