The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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