Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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