Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
