He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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