the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
