I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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