I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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