does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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