I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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