I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
