I am in a vortex of obligation.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
