we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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