i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
