Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
