Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
