Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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