My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
