Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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