oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
