Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
