totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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