Rock
Scissors
Fuck
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
