Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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