Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
