mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
