I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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