my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
