My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
