Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
