i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
