Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
