i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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