You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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