dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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