Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
