four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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