tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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