Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
