Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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