He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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