Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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