I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How does it feel to date your dad?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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