Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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