did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
