M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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