I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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