Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
