dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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