even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
