You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
